Imagine visiting your parents and noticing that Mom looks more tired than usual. Dad needs help throughout the day, but both insist they are managing. You suggest having someone come in so Mom can get some rest.
"Your father wouldn't be comfortable with anyone else," she says. Now you are worried about both of them.
Or perhaps you are providing the care yourself, postponing another appointment because your parent does not want anyone else staying with them.
Respite care gives the usual caregiver time away while a suitable relative, friend or professional provides care temporarily. Finding someone is one step; feeling comfortable handing over care is another. [1]
Start with what worries your parent
An unfamiliar person entering the home can raise concerns about privacy and personal care. Dad may also wonder whether accepting help means seeing less of you. Before trying to persuade him, ask what concerns him. Explain what the arrangement will change and what it will not, without making promises you cannot keep. [2]
Company over lunch may feel quite different from assistance with bathing. Let him help decide what he is comfortable accepting and what he wants to manage himself.
Consider something from professional services. If your longtime accountant were away, an introduction to the colleague covering for them would probably feel more reassuring than an email containing a stranger's name.
At home, an introduction with you present gives your parent time to meet the person and participate. Show how familiar routines work. [2]
Brené Brown puts it simply:
"Trust is built in very small moments."
— Brené Brown, The Anatomy of Trust [4]
Look for those moments: does the person speak directly to Dad, listen to his answer and ask before helping?
Help should not become another job for you
You may be thinking: by the time I explain everything and answer the calls, will I actually get a break? That deserves a practical answer.
Ask how the provider will help prepare the handover. You bring knowledge of your parent; the provider should help turn it into usable instructions. Ask whether the same caregiver can return where possible, and how a substitute would be introduced and briefed. You should understand how information is shared rather than having to start each time again. [2]
Then address the worry underneath: what if something happens while I'm away?
Check credentials, explain the care needed, and confirm that the person can provide it. Agree on updates, what should prompt a call, and whom the caregiver contacts if a problem arises. Harvard Health recommends establishing these details before handing over care. [1]
A reassuring manner matters, but so do clear answers about how care will work when you are not there.
Understand the first commitment
Before booking, establish the total charge, minimum hours, included tasks, cancellation terms and any continuing commitment. Ask what happens if the caregiver cannot attend. This should leave you clear about the arrangement, not uncertain about what you have signed up for. [2]
After the visit, ask your parent what felt comfortable and what needs adjusting. Hear from the caregiver too. Early respite experiences may take some adjustment; a timing issue or missed preference can be discussed. Unsafe or disrespectful care should not be dismissed as a settling-in problem. [3]
Remember the person already providing care
If Mom is caring for Dad, she may need reassurance that accepting help does not mean she has stopped caring for him. You may need the same reassurance yourself.
You can be honest about needing time away without dismissing your parent's wishes: "I need to keep this appointment. Let's work out who you would feel comfortable having here while I'm out." [3]
Remaining involved can include helping choose the caregiver, explaining preferences and reviewing how things went. It need not require doing every task personally.
Rosalynn Carter urged us to recognize caregivers' contributions and:
"...give them all the support we can in their homes and communities."
— Rosalynn Carter, excerpt [5]
That support can be ordinary: time for sleep, a medical appointment, exercise or lunch with a friend. The break does not need to be earned by reaching exhaustion. [3]
From a wellness perspective, the caregiver's health belongs in the family's plan, rather than being continually postponed.
For families considering Veritas In-Home Care, begin with what makes accepting help difficult. It might be your parent's reluctance, a specific care need, cost, or concern about adding more coordination to your week. Those concerns deserve attention before a booking.
Perhaps the first visit means Mom keeps her own appointment while Dad receives suitable care. Or you spend an afternoon away and return knowing what would make the next visit easier. That is a worthwhile beginning.
Veritas In-Home Care | 425-541-8281 | www.veritasinhomecare.com
Sources
[1] Harvard Health Publishing. Caregivers: You deserve a break May 1, 2023.
[2] Family Caregiver Alliance. Hiring In-Home Help
[3] Family Caregiver Alliance. Respite Tips: Taking a Break From Giving Care to Someone in Need
[4] Brené Brown. The Anatomy of Trust
[5] Official Rosalynn Carter Memorial Website. In Her Words
